Computer jokes & quotes

[m0skit0]

I had an idea for this thread after I read this on StackOverflow:

Q: "I have a black labrador and I tend to wash her every single day and feed her very well. Is there any reason as to why she could be so smelly?"
A: "Have you tried switching it on and off?"

Source

And here we go:

- How many programmers does it take to change one light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.
- Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
- Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users ?
- Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer"
User: I can't see your computer.
Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer.
User: Huh?
Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.
User: What's your computer doing on mine?
- The best part was they showed me their backup strategy: they use custom software and they backed up the application by dragging the desktop icon (a shortcut) to their cdrw. They had 2 years worth of shortcuts.
- Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS !
- 'INSERT DISK THREE' ? But I can only get two in the drive !
- If you can't beat your computer at chess, do what I did — try kick-boxing
- Cracking the Italian codes was something you did at the pub over a beer. It was both relaxing and enjoyable... — Peter Hilton, WW2 British codebreaker.
- Hey ! It compiles ! Ship it !
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
- She said she was hot for me, so i gave her a spare heatsink. She didn't seem happy. I just dont understand women.
- There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. — Ken Olson, president/founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977. (now I understand why DEC went bye bye).
- The Macintosh uses an experimental pointing device called a 'mouse.' There is no evidence that people want to use these things. What businessman knows about point sizes on typefaces or the value of variable point sizes ? Who out there in the general marketplace even knows what a 'font' is ?
The whole concept and attitude towards icons and hieroglyphs is actually counterrevolutionary — it's a language that is hardly 'user friendly'. This type of machine was developed by hardware hackers working out of Xerox's Palo Alto Research Center. It has yet to find popular success. There seems to be some mysterious user resistance to this type of machine. — John C. Dvorak on why the Macintosh would fail, San Francisco Examiner, 1984/02/19.

[Zecoxao]

that was ... EPIC
I liked very much

[pietro025]

I liked that too! Very funny!

[TragicTheBlubbering]

Here are some funny commands and their output you an do with the Linux terminal.

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% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% Unmatched “.
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (‘s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% (-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

Also we've all heard of Chuck Norris facts, but there are also "Stallman facts". The are little facts about Richard Stallman, founder of GNU, and creator of the the GPL license.
Some of my favorites:

• Richard Stallman doesn't wget, he wdemands.
• Richard Stallman's nervous system is completely wireless.
• Richard Stallman programmed Chuck Norris.
• Richard Stallman never showers: he runs 'make clean'.
• Richard Stallman's Ipod plays OGG and WMA.

[asgard20032]

There are 10 type of people: People that understand binary and people that don't.
Error: No keyboard found, press any button to continue...
Microsoft

[m0skit0]

@TragicTheBlubbering: looooooooooooooooooooolololol nice ones and I didn't know about Stallman facts

[frank]

"The box said "Requires Windows XP or better" so I installed Linux"

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning"

LOLCode:

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HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
VISIBLE "HAI WORLD!"
KTHXBYE

Not really computerish but: "We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again"

"Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression"

In movies hackers are always amazing
all they do is type the following into a terminal: "hack the fbi"

[SunnyAutumn]

Linus Torvalds took his notes in the uni... in binary

[Xian Nox]

[wololo]

I love these musical floppies

Here's a short story:
A mechanics engineer, a chemist, and a programmer are riding a car to an important event (probably a star trek convention).
Suddenly, the engine stops.
The mechanic enginner opens the trunk, looks at the engine, checks all the hydraulics, but can't find the problem.
The chemist checks the fuel, oil levels, cooling systems, but cannot find the problem either.
Then the programmer has an idea: "guys, try to open all doors, then close them again, then open them again, and try to start the engine!"